Bootylicious Consequences...
by Cathy the Boff
Summary: Right, here's the deal. It's a mess around with the song Bootylicious. Everyone has a consequence to pay for at the end, but Zell gets the biggest shock. Wanna know more? Then read on...


Selphie, can you handle this

Aiya!Well, this is another songfic, and my longest yet!Hope you enjoy it!X_^(I have a black eye from a hockey stick slamming in my face during practise…Ouch!)Please review at the end!

Disclaimer:I do not own any of these characters, they belong to Squaresoft.Danny DeVito is Danny DeVito, Ricky Martin is Ricky Martin, Budweiser belongs to the owner of Budweiser (well, duh!), Michael Jackson is himself, "Blood is on the Dance Floor" belongs to Michael Jackson, "Music" belongs to Madge, Fructus belongs to L'Oreal, Herbal Essences belongs to whoever the manufacturer is, ditto for Wash and Go, and basically everything else that is famous does not belong to me unfortunately.

At the end of the long epic battle between Ultimecia and the group of friends, they decided to throw a party to unwind once they'd managed to travel back to their time period.We see Irvine dancing and chatting up the girls, Quistis thinking, "What kind of a dork is he?!" and stomping around, Selphie video-taping the occasion, Zell scoffing and choking on hot dogs and Squall and Rinoa copping off on the balcony when they get the chance.How romantic!(Not the way I'm writing it, but there you go).Even Seifer turned up to the occasion.A DJ walks in and gets a party going, while the girls go and jazz themselves up and the blokes start boozing, heavily.After a while the DJ starts playing familiar song, and Selphie, Quistis and Rinoa march in on the scene.

All:Hey Mister DJ, put a record on, I wanna hook up with my baby!

Bootylicious – with a twist!

Selphie, (Wobbles in on VERY high heels) can you handle this?

Quisty, (Whip firmly attached to her waist) can you handle this?

Rinoa, (Pinwheel flashing in the neon lights on her wrist) can you handle this?

I don't think the blokes can handle this!

Whoo-hoo!!!!

Selphie:You slappers move, coz we've arrived,

Rinoa:Am I an angel?You decide.

Quisty:I'm the coolest!

Selphie:I'm so cute!

All:DJ, play it cool!

Quisty:(pointing at Seifer) You spotted me, kinky thing!

Rinoa:(pointing at Squall) There you are!Come on Squally!

Don't you wanna dance with me?

Can you handle, handle me?

All:You gotta do much better if you gonna dance wit' us tonight,

You gotta shake your asses if you gonna dance wit' us tonight!

Selphie:Read my lips, k Irvy?You better shake that bon-bon!

Do it better than tricky-Ricky!

By the looks I got ya shook up and scared o'me!

Hook up your seat belt, it's time for take-off!

All:I can see you want me, come and get me!

I can see it shakin', shake it to me!

But I don't think you're ready for me!

Quistis:Coz I'm snapping my whip down your way, baby!

All:I can see you want me, come and get me!

I can see it shakin', shake it my way!

But I don't think you're ready for me!

Quistis:Coz I'm snapping my whip down your way baby!

All:Baby, (Snap of the whip) can you handle this?

Baby, (Whir of a pinwheel) can you handle this?

Baby, (CLINCK!…Selphie's massive heels snap) can you handle this?

Quistis and Rinoa:I don't think Selphie can handle this!!AH-HA!!!

Selphie:STOP!!!(Music stops).I can't help it if I'm leetle!After all, 9-inch platform shoes with a 4-inch heel?!I know I'm supposed to try and make myself look taller, but not like this!!!

Rinoa:Too bad.We'll put you in a grow bag along with Danny DeVito for two years once we've hooked up!Howz that?

Selphie:Shut it rhinolophus hipposideros!(HA!That'll show all those who think I'm a ditz!)

Rinoa: Don't call me a frickin' bat!

Selphie:…DAMN!!!Just as I thought I was clever.;_;

Quistis:Rinoa, how the heck can we hook up with the lads?They're rolling on the floor!If they drunk as much Budweiser as we have champagne before now, then I hate to think of their bladder situation…

rhinolophus hippo…I mean, Rinoa:Ahhhhh!!!!!Just shut your traps!All'o'ya!!!We'll change Michael Jackson's song "Blood is on the Dance floor" to "Peeing on the dance floor" if we have to to get their attention!

Author:Erm, can we get back to the song, now?The readers are waiting…

All:…CARRY ON!!!!(á la Mark and Lard)

Selphie:I just broke my heel off!

Superglue won't glue it on!

Quistis:(Oblivious to Selphie's lines) Lead with hips, slap my thighs,

Swing my hair, square my eyes.

Rinoa:Lookin' hot-a!Smellin' good!(stuck her nose under her armpits at this point) NGAH!!!!!SMELLIN' BAD!SMELLIN' BAD!! (Ran into the bathroom)

Quistis:(Ignoring Rinoa, eyes squared on Seifer) Groovin' like I'm from da 'hood!

Selphie:Look over my shoulder, topple over.

I can't handle, handle this!!!

(Rinoa runs back at this point, puffed).

All:I don't think ya ready for this jelly,

I don't think ya ready,

Selphie:(drinking a Blue Hawaii cocktail) Pop this cherry!

All:I don't think ya ready for this!

Selphie:Coz I snapped my heel from bouncing baby!

All:I don't think ya ready for this jelly,

I don't think ya ready,

Selphie:(Grabbed an Italian dish from the passing waiter) scoff spaghetti!

All:I don't think ya ready for this!

Selphie:Coz I snapped my heel from bouncing baby!(Throws the plate of spaghetti at the DJ)

(The Librarian girl with the pig-tails waltzes into the room, and steals the dance floor immediately with her hub-bub-a-bubbin' on the dance floor)

Librarian:Move your body up and down (whoo!)

Make your booty touch the ground (whoo!)

I can't help but wonder why (whoo!)

Is my hair really suited to Fructus shampoo?!

All:You may shake your hair like Angelo

But let me tell you somethin' girl, Herbal Essences is cool!

And I can tell you, you should go and get some, "Wash and Go",

Then get some conditioner for your hair and leave us to flow!

Librarian:(talking through the dodgy trumpet fanfare imitations of the others) Geez, guys, thanks for the advice!At least after that I may be able to, or maybe if he would like to, or maybe I should go and ask him, or maybe I should send him a txt msge, or maybe I should get someone else to ask him (music stopping), or maybe I should broadcast it over the world and hope he's watching TV, or maybe I should send him an email, or maybe I should just go up to him and tell him, "Grab your coat blokey, you've pulled", or maybe I should…

All:MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHUT UP AND LET THE REST OF US PULL WHILE YOU'RE STILL DECIDING HOW YOU SHOULD EVER SO SUBTLY TELL ZELL THAT YOU FANCY THE ARSE OFF HIM!!!!!

Librarian:Actually, that is a good idea!(Runs up to Zell) OY, YOU!!!!!I WANT YOUR BABIES, AND I THINK WE SHOULD GO AND START MAKING THEM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Grabs him by his shirt and drags him off, screaming blue murder, to some Archipelago, never to see them again…)

All:Um, that really was subtle.(Silence.Tumbleweeds blow in from the left.)Yep well!!!

(Music starts again)

All:I don't think you're ready for this jelly,

I don't think you're ready for this jelly,

I don't think you're ready for this,

Rinoa:Coz I rely on you to save my ass too much, babe!

All:I don't think you're ready for this jelly,

I don't think you're ready for this jelly,

I don't think you're ready for this,

Coz my body's too bootylicious for ya babe!

Kyah-hahaha!(Grab their blokes and scooted off).

The Consequences:

Rinoa nabbed Squall, and they found Cinderella's castle and kicked her and prince charming out, so they lived there happily ever after leaving Cinders and the prince to slum it on the streets of Deling City.

Quistis grabbed Seifer before the other girls got to him and dragged him all the way to the opera house in Alexandria where they still perform many classics such as "The Phantom of the Opera", "Cats" and, "The Hunchback of The Tomb of the Unknown King", made millions and lived in luxury.

Selphie hooked up Irvine before he had the chance to tom-cat around the dance floor, hitched a ride on a chocobo and rode all the way to chocobo's paradise, where they met Zidane, Garnet, Quina, Amarant, Eiko, Vivi, Freya and rusty-bucket Steiner and managed to blag their way into staying at the Alexandria Castle, watching Quistis and Seifer perform every show possible for the rest of their happy lives.

The Librarian had bundled Zell into a sack and stowed away on a boat from Balamb Harbour to The Island Closest to Hell and had 19 kids called Zelly-Bo, Zelly-Doh, Zelly-Flo, Zelly-Glo, Zelly-Jo, Zelly-Kelly, Zelly-Lilly, Zelly-Minelli, Zelly-Nellie, Zelly-Ollie, Zelly-Polly, Zelly-Rooney, Zelly-Spaghetti, Zelly-Timmy, Zelly-Vicki, Zelly-Welli, Zelly-Xa, Zelly-yellow-purple-hills and Zelly-zip-a-di-do-da.He was knackered afterwards.

Please review!X_^Thanx!


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